King Barack Hussein Obama is scheduled to deliver his farewell speech next week. I for one could careless to hear this man lie about his abysmal record. The sycophants in the media are already giving this narcissist a tickertape parade in their editorial pages. The Charlotte Observer published their version of what Obama’s speech should be. As you can expect it is full of hagiographic crap. So, I decided to give my own version.
Please rise. That’s enough. That’s enough. Please, no more applause. There’s not enough time in the day for all this deserved admiration. I know – I know. But we must press on to the important subject that brings us together which is ME.
Eight years ago, I won the highest office in the land based on a bumper sticker slogan. Man, you people are gullible. I insulted the very institutions that made this country great and you thanked me for it – twice! Thank god for public education. I’d like to give a shout-out to the teachers’ union. Great job, guys! Great job!
When I took office, this country was in a financial mess. We didn’t wait around to let the market shake these malinvestments. Hell, no. We took full advantage of the situation and passed a stimulus bill worth almost a trillion dollars and spread that money around to all my bundlers and constituent groups that feed the Democratic Party. Shovel ready jobs, my ass! More like shovel ready to my buddies. Ain’t that right? You know it. You know it. Is Solyndra in the house? There you are. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Calm down – calm down. We can’t forget the greatest achievement of my career and probably the biggest caper in American history; of course I’m talking about my namesake, Obamacare. Remember, if you like your plan you can keep it? Ha! What a bunch of suckers! How’s those premium increases, small business owner? What? Those deductibles are too high? Suck on it, you capitalist pig!
Speaking of sticking it to the man, I cannot think of a better group of people who got the shaft during my tenure than Christians. Screw the First Amendment! You’ll bake a wedding cake for that gay couple, Mr. Christian man. And as for Chaplains preaching in the military? Not on my watch. You will fund Planned Parenthood and nuns will provide abortifacients and birth control, so help me Allah! Can I get an Amen! Freedom of religion, my ass. Not in my America!
Speaking of asses, I would like to thank the mainstream media for covering mine these past eight years. I would like to give each and every one of you a tube of ChapStick for covering my zit-ridden, mocha latte with such love and devotion that only a fellow Marxist can appreciate. It was you guys that dismissed scandals such as Benghazi, Fast and Furious, the Iranian nuclear deal, and who can forget our friends at the IRS for harassing my political opponents. Those are just the few off the top of my head. No corruption here, right? Wow, you guys are great.
My rule is coming to an end. I may not have a pen and a phone after January 20th, but I guarantee you hope and change will not end with my presidency. I’ve seen to that. I’ve filled the bureaucracies with like minded Marxists who have a mandate to circumvent the Constitution of the United States. We’ve opened the borders to the whole third world. I’ve brought in thousands of Muslim refugees who hate this country and its ideals just as much as we do. The great transformation will continue long after I leave the White House and there’s nothing liberty-loving Americans can do about it.
And now that I look eastward towards Mecca and strain to hear the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard, I wish a happy jihad trail to you and yours.
Praise be to Allah, and the Jizya upon you.